Gender Frustrations

I have taken a week to think about how to blog about a session that I saw last weekend at the ABA Conference.  The session was about using movies to demonstrate gender differences in negotiation, and I went to see what teaching tools might be provided.  I was on the negotiation program track for the ABA, and had helped select this session for presentation at the conference, so I was really looking forward to it.  Instead, the session became a very good example of the challenges in teaching about gender differences in negotiation.

The session started out with slides that listed how women communicate or how women negotiate.  I think, in retrospect, that the speakers may have been trying to highlight some of the stereotypes about women from the 1970’s and ask whether these were still relevant but — without any introduction to what they planned to do, cites to the outdated research, or other signposting — it appeared that the speakers were presenting these comments as current and true (even if that was not their intention).  When asked what research this was based on, the speakers stated that “this is what the research shows. ”  As some in the audience continued to challenge further assertions about the research, the tone went downhill and unfortunately, rather than becoming a learning experience, became more of an argument, which continued even after the session.  All this, of course, at a dispute resolution conference. 

I wanted to unpack a few key things from this session. 

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What Queen Esther Knew

Esther_Mordechai_PurimLast weekend I was reading an article with a the great title, “The Glass Ceiling is Kind of a Bummer”: Women’s Reflections on a Gender Development Course, which talked about how undergraduate women often, even as they are in women’s studies courses, deny the impact that sexism has had or will potentially have on their career. (For more on how to teach around this issues, see an article from the Negotiation Journal I co-authored with Cathy Tinsley, Sandy Cheldelin, and Emily Amantullah last year discussing better ways of teaching gender.) In any case, I read the glass ceiling article right before going to services to celebrate the Jewish holiday of Purim, and, as I was sitting listening to the story of Purim, it reminded me of a great business book written several years ago by Connie Glaser and Barbara Smalley — What Queen Esther Knew: Business Strategies from a Biblical Sage — and how Queen Esther dealt with her glass ceiling.

The story of Purim, to recap quickly, is a true story from 400 B.C. set in Persia. After King Ahasuerus becomes unhappy with his queen, he launches an empire-wide search to find his new queen. He chooses Esther, a Jewish orphan raised by her Uncle Mordechai.

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The Marriage Ref?

Okay, I was drawn like a moth to a  flame (or more like watching a car accident) to keep on NBC after the closing ceremonies and watch The Marriage Ref last night under the deluded hope that maybe this would be a tv show with dispute resolution in action.  The tag line for this lovely show is that it finally gives you what every couple wants–a winner.  Well, it might do that for couples but it does not do that for television viewers.  First, as Roger Fisher once told me with very wise marital advice, if you think you have won an argument with your spouse (and celebrate afterwards!) you have missed the point.  So, I don’t think that marriage in general is better off with winners and losers.  If you start to treat marriage like football games–or litigation–you might as well file your own litigation in family court.   Second, where do they get these stories (a dead stuffed dog!?!) and who are these couples?  I suppose that reality tv might have completely deadened our sense of privacy and shame but really,  I need to hear about a couple’s argument on a stripper pole?   This is entertainment?  I mean, it is barely more than an argument about intimate marital relations which, let me say again, don’t stay intimate if you share them on tv!  So….no more Marriage Ref for me (unless, of course,  I really need to feel superior in my marriage.)

Cross posted at Indisputably.

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