In honor of April Fools’ Day, the editors of the blog asked the faculty of the Law School to share their favorite examples of legal humor. Every day we will share a different faculty member’s submission.  Today’s submission is from Professor Melissa Greipp.

The following are (supposedly) real statements made during court cases:

JUDGE: I know you, don’t I?

DEFENDANT: Uh, yes.

JUDGE: All right, tell me, how do I know you?

DEFENDANT: Judge, do I have to tell you?

JUDGE: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.

DEFENDANT: Okay. I was your bookie.

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From a defendant representing himself ….

DEFENDANT: Did you get a good look at me when I allegedly stole your purse?

VICTIM: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.

DEFENDANT: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

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JUDGE: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?

DEFENDANT: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.

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LAWYER: How do you feel about defense attorneys?

JUROR: I think they should all be drowned at birth.

LAWYER: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.

JUROR: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.

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JUDGE: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

JUROR: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.

JUDGE: Can’t they do without you at work?

JUROR: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.

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LAWYER: Tell us about the fight.

WITNESS: I didn’t see no fight.

LAWYER: Well, tell us what you did see.

WITNESS: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.

LAWYER: You, too were shot in the fracas?

WITNESS: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

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DEFENDANT: JUDGE, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

JUDGE: And why is that?

DEFENDANT: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.

JUDGE: (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant’s motion?

PUBLIC DEFENDER: I’m sorry, Your Honor, I wasn’t listening.

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JUDGE: Please identify yourself for the record.

DEFENDANT: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.

JUDGE: What does the ‘Colonel’ stand for?

DEFENDANT: Well, it’s kinda like the ‘Honorable’ in front of your name – not a darn thing.

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JUDGE: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?

DEFENDANT: Habitual thirstiness?

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