In honor of April Fools’ Day, the editors of the blog asked the faculty of the Law School to share their favorite examples of legal humor. Every day we will share a different faculty member’s submission.  Today’s submission is from Professor Bruce Boyden.

A new lawyer is trying his first criminal case, representing a man accused of biting another man’s ear off in a bar fight.  Eager to show off his trial skills, he begins to cross-examine the prosecution’s first witness: the bartender on the night of the fight.

Q. You were tending bar that night, isn’t that correct?

A. Yes I was.

Q. And the bar was quite crowded that night, wasn’t it?

A. Yes.

Q. There were quite a lot of people standing in front of the bar, ordering drinks, isn’t that right?

A. Yes, that’s right.

Q. And the defendant was standing 10 to 20 feet away from the bar when the fight started, correct?

A. Yes he was.

Q. So there were several people between you and him?

A. Yes, there were.

Q. And you were quite busy serving drinks to those people, weren’t you?

A. Yes I was.

Q. So that you weren’t looking at the defendant when the fight started, were you?

A. No I wasn’t.

Q. And in fact, you couldn’t see the defendant when the fight started, could you?

A. No, I don’t think I could.

Q. Therefore, isn’t it true that you did not actually see the defendant bite the ear of the other man?

A. Yeah, that’s right. I didn’t see him bite the ear off.

Proud of his cross-examining prowess, the young lawyer smiled at the jury and asked one more question.

Q. So why did you testify that the defendant bit the man’s ear off?

A. Because I saw him spit it out a second later.

In honor of April Fools’ Day, the editors of the blog asked the faculty of the Law School to share their favorite examples of legal humor. Every day we will share a different faculty member’s submissions.  First up is Professor Matt Mitten.

Lawyer: You say you saw the man stabbed in the hay field with a fork. What kind of fork was it?

Witness: Well, did you ever see a tuning fork or an dinner fork in a hay field?

Did you hear about the Texas lawyer who got his client a suspended sentence?  They hung him.

My lawyer says that giving legal advice gives him a grand and glorious feeling. His clients give him a grand and he feels glorious.

One day the gate between heaven and hell broke down. St. Peter called out to the devil, “Hey Satan, it’s your turn to fix it.” “Sorry ,” said the devil. My men down here are too busy shoveling coal. We can’t worry about a mere gate.” “All right,” declared St. Peter, “if that’s your attitude then I’ll have to sue you for breaking our agreement.” “Go ahead and try!” snapped Satan. “Where are you gonna get a lawyer?”

While on his rounds Officer Sullivan stumbled on a young couple making love in a graveyard. He promptly carted them off to night court. “What were you doing in a graveyard at midnight?” asked Magistrate Riley. “Nothing wrong, Your Honor,” replied the boy. “I was just burying the old stiff.” “And what about you?” Riley asked the girl. “I was the undertaker, “ she responded. “You idiot!” exclaimed the judge to the policeman, and he fined the officer $25 for disturbing the peace.